An Odd Kind of Jealousy

Margo Howard
Mon, 27 Jan 2014 10:32:03 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: My dilemma is really simple. I happen to love a certain 19th-century authoress and have read every biography I can find about her.

Ever since I was 14 years old and read her classic novel "Pride and Prejudice," I have been bewitched. She is a lady and a half, the gilder of my heart, the best woman I am sorry I never met.

I was recently at a party with my wife and was asked why I like Jane Austen so much. (The question actually was why I am so "obsessed.") I responded to the question with vigor and as eloquently as a man "in love" can be allowed.
Updated: Mon Jan 27, 2014

Dear Margo: My dilemma is really simple. I happen to love a certain 19th-century authoress and have read every biography I can find about her.

Ever since I was 14 years old and read her classic novel "Pride and Prejudice," I have been bewitched. She is a lady and a half, the gilder of my heart, the best woman I am sorry I never met.

I was recently at a party with my wife and was asked why I like Jane Austen so much. (The question actually was why I am so "obsessed.") I responded to the question with vigor and as eloquently as a man "in love" can be allowed.

The problem is my wife. She is crazy jealous and has suggested that I should be married to Lady J.A. instead of her; that I never seem to have that glow in my eyes when speaking of her as I do when speaking of the great Miss Austen of Steventon, 1775-1817.

I am sure, Margo, you would join me in declaring my wife a little over the top and unreasonable about this. Is there a way you could articulate why this jealousy is irrational? — Devotee of Jane Austen

Dear Dev: I think the only time a woman can legitimately be jealous of another female no longer alive is when the deceased had been her husband's great love and left said man a widower. (My own husband gets moony over Dawn Upshaw and Mme. Curie, but since I can neither sing nor understand nuclear physics, I harbor no competitive urges.)

To quote another author, Dickens, Ms. Austen is "dead as a doornail," so perhaps you could follow that avenue to talk a little "Sense and Sensibility" into your green-eyed wife.

Were I she, I should feel lucky that your most beloved author is a woman who understands women so well. Maybe try reading "Persuasion" out loud to each other, and she might come to share your passion. — Margo, authoritatively

WHEN THE VACUUM'S NOT A FOOTBALL

Dear Margo: I am concerned that my husband is heading toward becoming an abuser. Either he is in denial ... or maybe I'm just wrong. There have only been a few incidents over the five-plus years we've been together (married for one).

Most recently, we were having an argument because he'd invited a co-worker to our messy home, and I felt compelled to clean up for the visitor. At around midnight, my husband tried to get me to go to bed, but I wasn't finished cleaning to my satisfaction. He grew frustrated and made a threat: If I didn't come to bed, he said he would just "mess up" the house in the morning after I left for work.

The next day, I told him that threats were unacceptable, but he tried to rationalize, saying it was only "to get my attention" because I was being "so stubborn." In the past, on a few occasions, he has lost his temper and become destructive, mangling a CD, tossing the vacuum against a wall, kicking things around.

He has never touched me and has never broken anything too valuable. He claims that it's better to hit an object than a person, and I do agree. But I think that making threats, damaging property and then making excuses are classic symptoms of an abuser and could escalate.

I want my husband to recognize his problem and seek help, such as anger-management counseling. He thinks he doesn't need it. What is your opinion? — Won't Be a Victim

Dear Won't: I am not certain that your spouse is on the way to becoming abusive to your person, but he definitely has a wicked temper and knows how to push your buttons. Damaging property indicates that he could, indeed, profit from anger-management counseling.

Let's put it this way: If anyone I was married to threw a vacuum cleaner or mangled CDs, I would raise such a ruckus that anger-management class would seem like a refuge. Good luck. — Margo, correctively