It's Definitely Not You, Buddy

Margo Howard
Mon, 03 Feb 2014 22:44:18 -0800
Lifestyle

Dear Margo: Dear Margo: I have been with my fiancee for two years, and we have finally gotten to the point where we know each other well enough not to think the relationship is going to end if we argue or disagree. Basically, we are comfortable with each other and very much in love.

The problem? It has to do with sex. There is none. (Certainly not compared to when we began dating.) She blames her weight and menopause (she is 49, I am 57) for her decreased libido. When we began dating, we enjoyed sex at least twice a day. It dropped to once a day, then once every other day ... you get the picture. Now she says she is not interested in sex at all.

There are some extenuating circumstances: She is starting menopause, her daughter and grandson are living with us, and she has gone from size 6 to size 14. (I do not care, but she does.) I can understand the grandson and the daughter, but when we are alone, I am confused as to why her attitude or desire does not change.
Updated: Fri Feb 07, 2014

Dear Margo: Dear Margo: I have been with my fiancee for two years, and we have finally gotten to the point where we know each other well enough not to think the relationship is going to end if we argue or disagree. Basically, we are comfortable with each other and very much in love.

The problem? It has to do with sex. There is none. (Certainly not compared to when we began dating.) She blames her weight and menopause (she is 49, I am 57) for her decreased libido. When we began dating, we enjoyed sex at least twice a day. It dropped to once a day, then once every other day ... you get the picture. Now she says she is not interested in sex at all.

There are some extenuating circumstances: She is starting menopause, her daughter and grandson are living with us, and she has gone from size 6 to size 14. (I do not care, but she does.) I can understand the grandson and the daughter, but when we are alone, I am confused as to why her attitude or desire does not change.

I wonder whether it's me. Her desires and needs have always come first, and I am a very romantic guy. So I guess my question is: Do the reasons she gives cause a loss of sexual desire? — Really Need To Know

Dear Real: At first I thought I read "her deceased libido." I read it wrong, but I had it right. Take your fiancee at her word. If there was a time when it was twice daily, then daily, trust me, it's not you.

As a woman, I can vouch for the fact that someone who is looking at 50, going through "the change," living with her child and grandchild, and watching her dress size creep into double digits may, indeed, have a vanishing libido.

Her self-esteem has to be in the tank, so all you can do is be supportive and loving, and encourage her to tackle one issue at a time. I predict she'll come out of this. — Margo, hopefully

IN THIS CASE, DO NOT REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE

Dear Margo: I am a happily married 38-year-old woman, pregnant with our first child. I am in my second trimester, and my "baby bump" is starting to show.

When I'm out and about, or even at work, I'm amazed at how complete strangers reach out and touch my belly! The first time it happened, in a bookstore, I was stunned. I thought it was likely to be an uncommon occurrence; after all, how many women could be ignorant of everyday manners (e.g., keep your hands to yourself)? To my dismay, I can attest that it happens all too frequently.

My family and I tried to think of some response to these fondling trespassers, but all we've come up with are equally inappropriate gestures, like reaching out and touching them in an improper place (like a breast), and I don't have the nerve.

I realize these women are just trying to commune with me, woman to woman, but can't they just say "congratulations"? What can I say to make them understand that these uninvited caresses are unwelcome? — Perpetually Pawed While Preggers

Dear Perp: I'll admit I had trouble believing this actually happens, so I asked a young friend who just had her second child. Yup, it happens. This must be a new wrinkle, because when I was pregnant (when ice covered the earth), the only person who put out a hand to feel the bump was the father-to-be.

I think if a stranger had done this to me, I would have simultaneously raised my eyebrows along with my hand. Your only defense, if you see someone coming toward you with outstretched palm, is to turn away. Should someone make contact before you see the hand advancing, do not be shy about saying, "I find that quite rude, since I do not even know you." — Margo, aptly